Being Crazy In The Age Of Trump

He’s crazy. Out of his mind. A lunatic. A madman. These are the terms I often hear thrown around to describe Trump. I’m sure you’ve heard it too, if not said it yourself. Every ridiculous and hateful action taken on his part is met with bewilderment and a shake of the head, accompanying the claim that he’s just plain mentally ill. It must be as simple as that, he must just be nuts.

I happen to be a “crazy” person. I am mentally ill. I take a handful of pulls twice a day to control my severe depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. I’ve been hospitalized multiple times as a result of my illnesses. In addition to being mentally ill I am also smart, thoughtful, compassionate, funny, and I try every day to do the right thing. I don’t try to hurt people, I don’t try to strip them of their rights. I try to be a good friend, sister, daughter, and partner.

Why do broad actions of hatefulness and ridiculousness get labeled as Crazy? What has Trump done to earn that label? He is ignorant, hateful, racist, sexist, homophobic, ridiculous, and has no concept of actions having consequences. He is a bad, angry person. Why are these traits conflated with mental illness? Is that what people think of me?

I don’t believe any of my loved ones that call Trump crazy think I am anything like him. And yet the comparison continues without thought for those that are victims of Trump. I am not like him, I am one of the people he wants to stamp out. I am a target. He wants to take away my right to healthcare, my right to choose, my right to marry who I want. He would have me suffer greatly as a mentally ill person by taking away my ability to afford my prescriptions.

Do we just label actions we don’t understand as crazy? It is easier to label someone as crazy than it is to confront the systems that they uphold. It’s easier to talk about Trump in terms of mental illness than it is to talk about how white supremacy got him elected. It’s easier to say he is crazy than it is to ask what we can do to stop him. To say he is merely crazy is dangerous because it dismisses his actions and beliefs. It also dismisses the lives of actual mentally ill people. It’s too easy, too lazy, to shrug off what we don’t understand and say oh, that’s just crazy. We must ask questions. We must dig deeper. We must remember that mentally ill people are varied and complex. When we dismiss Trump as being crazy, we must stop and ask ourselves exactly what we mean. Do we think all mentally ill people are unstable, dangerous, hateful? Or do we simply think Trump is not worth listening to because his ideas are mad? If that is the case, does that reflect the way we view actual mentally ill people? To dismiss Trump as mentally ill and nothing more is to dismiss real people. I am not to be dismissed.

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Fewer Sprinkles, More Outrage

I started this blog years ago as a way to work out my feelings about being fat and share my story. The fat acceptance community helped me to become the person I am today. It’s been years since I have written anything new. I thought perhaps I had run out of things to say that were new or interesting. I thought I didn’t have much to add to the conversation. Then life just got busy and I lost my interest in writing in general.

Much has happened since I last wrote for this blog. I’ve grown so much as a person (both literally and figuratively, hahaaaaa, we’ll get into that another time) and have learned so many new things. My life is filled with many more people than i knew before, and they have taught me about ableism, the gender binary, and many other things I never put a lot of thought into. I always tried to be  a good person and do the right thing, but in the last few years I have finally started to become a better version of myself.

I decided I wanted to start writing for this space again because I believe with my new knowledge, and several more years of life experience under my belt, I can bring something to the table that I couldn’t before. I’m stronger, better informed, more wiling to take action but most importantly, more willing to listen. I want to have a conversation. I want to hear the ways in which body positive spaces fall short for some so that I don’t fall into the same traps. I want to do more, I want to grow, and learn, and share what I can.

I’m back, and I’m ready to work.

No Judgement For Weight Loss

I tend to feel frustrated when I hear people decrying fat acceptance or health at every size because they had a bad encounter with a blog or blogger. I want to wave them back over, so to speak, and tell them no no, it’s okay, this really is a great place to be. This place really is for everyone, it’s all about acceptance! But I’ve been hearing a couple specific, related complaints from people who have decided that FA or HAES are not for them, namely that they felt shamed for choosing to lose weight. I’ve also heard people say they are uncomfortable with some writers and activists who give the impression that you should never listen to your doctor, or that any doctor who suggests weight loss is pushing body-hate.

The truth is, as much as I may see the FA movement as a place of pure acceptance and positivity, that has simply not been the experience for everyone. I personally only read blogs and books where insulting women for being thin is strictly forbidden, so I forget that some thin woman are still told they need to eat sandwiches, or inundated with the message that “real woman have curves” ( a message I am completely against, as previously discussed).

Not only are there thin women being told that their bodies are not acceptably feminine or desirable, but fat women are saying they have felt judged or shamed for deciding that weight loss is the best course for them. I can say that as a fat woman who doesn’t diet, doesn’t own a scale, and who tries to just practice intuitive eating, it’s almost like being in an alternate universe when fat women say they are shamed for dieting. In the normal, non-FA world, we are encouraged to lose weight at every turn. Commercials, magazine ads, television shows where fat people are almost exclusively used as jokes, and of course the regular interactions with well-meaning family, friends, and doctors. Many things unwittingly conspire to encourage fat people to lose weight, telling us we are unhealthy because you can’t be fat and healthy, telling us we are undesirable, unsuccessful, lack willpower and ambition. That is my reality, but it’s the reality for others that they feel unwelcome in some body-positive spaces because they feel that by choosing to diet or lose weight, they are going against everything we believe and will be judged for it. And, unfortunately, sometimes they are judged for it.

Here is where I stand: I am pro-health, by choice. I support people doing what they want to do in order to be healthy and feel good, as long as they are doing it by choice and not being shamed into their decision (and is that is the case, I am against the people doing the shaming). I am against forcing people to follow a strict path to supposed health. I am against listening to doctors unquestioningly, because doctors are prone to bias and do not always recommend what is best for each individual. I am against shaming people for their size, be they fat or thin, and I am against shaming people for being unhealthy, be they fat or thin. I am against trying to achieve weight loss by unhealthy means, but also do not judge those that do so. I do not support shaming people for deciding that they want to lose weight.

Every person has extremely unique circumstances. Some fat people may have back or joint pain that they can reduce with just exercise, others may need to actually weigh less in order to reduce their pain. Some people may be tired all the time, and have decided to cut out refined sugar and up their veggie intake to see if it helps. Some people may just be sick of being judged for being fat and want to change. There are too many reasons why someone may do the things they do, and at times people like me that are heavily into FA and HAES may jump to conclusions that if someone is trying to lose weight, it means they have failed to love themselves in some way. We need to be open to everyone’s stories. We need to make room for discussion about health, without judgement.

One thing I personally don’t tolerate is FA spaces becoming weight loss spaces. People who have decided to lose weight should not be shamed out of FA, but should also be sure to respect those that choose to remain the way they are. If weight loss is the right choice for you, you do not deserve to be judged for that, and it is a valid choice. It is also a valid choice for others to accept their bodies however they are, or decide to eat differently without the goal of losing weight, or really to do whatever they wish with their bodies. If those that choose diet and weight loss truly respect those that choose otherwise, we can show them the same courtesy. As long as our spaces are not taken over with diet talk, as long as we are not judged for our size, as long as our boundaries are respected, I hope we will make body-positive spaces safe for as many people as possible.

Fat People Will Always Exist

We all know the widespread concern over the obesity epidemic, and we are familiar with the language surrounding it. We are familiar with the concerns about heart disease, diabetes, joint pain. We know that some of the issues contributing to health problems in America are a lack of access to fresh, healthy food for many people, not to mention time to cook that food. We know it’s more convenient to stop through a drive-thru on the way home and spend five dollars on dinner than it is to go into a grocery store, pick out ingredients, and prepare dinner at home. We know that not all kids have a safe place to play and not all adults prioritize exercise. We know that these things can sometimes contribute to people being fatter. But what I want more people to acknowledge is that even if we found solutions to all of these problems, fat people will still exist. And that’s okay. 

 

I am a very fat person. I used to be pretty active, taking walks regularly around my neighborhood in the suburbs when I was younger. I was still very fat even then. I also ate a lot of junk food, like soda and candy, which I do less of now, but am also less active. Like many adults, I don’t always prioritize exercise when I’m tired from work, but that’s something I’m trying to change. I’m trying to exercise more, eat more whole foods, buy fast food less. But I will still be fat. I can’t envision a future for myself where I am not big. That doesn’t mean I don’t think I will ever lose weight if I change some of my eating habits and exercise more often, but that because of how big I am, and how I am built, I will still always be big. And that’s okay.

 

I struggle to not speak up when I hear people talk about the dreaded obesity epidemic and the poor fat kids and how sad it is that so many americans are fat. I get angry, because I am a fat american and that doesn’t somehow make me less worthy as a person. I would not be better if I was thin, I would just be thin. I want everyone to have access to fresh, healthy, affordable food. I want everyone to be able to access grocery stores as easily as they can access fast food chains. I want all kids to have safe, clean parks to play on. I want people to encourage physical activity just because it’s fun and healthy. I want kids to be given the best start possible by having healthy options in life. But none of this will eradicate obesity. 

 

The problem as I see it is the assumption that behaviors like lack of exercise and unhealthy diet are only a concern for fat people. The average person might not think this way, and probably knows that healthy food and exercise are good for everyone regardless of size. But the language used to discuss the obesity epidemic, especially language used in the media, implies that we need to make lifestyle changes as a nation so that we won’t be as fat, not so we’ll just be healthier. Health campaigns that target fat people serve only to imply that only fat people need to worry about what they do because as long as you’re not fat, you must be perfectly healthy. The targeting of fat people makes us just that-targets. It singles us out, makes us the problem, makes us the poor sad result of too much junk food in America, portion sizes that are too large, sodas that are too big. The focus on obesity is dangerous because it implies that all fat people are unhealthy and that you only need to worry about your health if you’re fat. 

 

Fat people are not all the same. We don’t all live off of fast food and big gulps from 7-11. We don’t all spend hours on our couch every day watching t.v. We don’t all need to be saved from a dreaded epidemic. We are people, not diseases. Everyone should be able to eat well and exercise in order to pursue health, and everyone should be informed of potential health risks to certain behaviors independent of a risk of getting fat. 

 

When I speak out against the concern over the obesity epidemic, I am not speaking out against health. I am speaking out in favor of health for everyone. I am asking people to please see me as a human being, not a walking disease or a problem to be solved. I am asking people to not assume how I live my life based on the size of my body. I am asking people to stop seeing fat people as an unfortunate side affect of America’s problems. Fat people cannot be eradicated. All the safe playgrounds and fresh food in the world won’t make us all disappear. And that’s okay. If we want to solve the problems of food deserts, it should be for health. If we want kids to be more active, it should be for health. When we tie the language of health to the language of defeating the obesity epidemic, we make fat people a target and a problem, and we send a subtle message that thin people don’t have to worry about their health as much, even if they engage in the same lifestyle habits. Fat people can be healthy, just as thin people can be unhealthy. I don’t want to eat well and exercise so that I can shrink down to an acceptable size, I want to do so because it makes me feel better. And I will still exist. And I will still matter. 

Small Steps Are Enough

 

 

A short while ago, I was reading a discussion happening somewhere on the internet where one person was arguing that it’s not good enough to take small steps towards being more active, like taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Apparently, exercise only counts if done in long stretches to the point of dripping sweat. This is obviously an ableist way of thinking, because someone might want to be more active but is only able to move so much due to pain or fatigue. Telling people that small steps aren’t good enough isn’t going to magically make everyone start doing more, it’s going to make a lot of people give up because they can’t do more than what they’re already doing. 

I mentioned in my last post that I’m going to start exercising at home more. I can’t work out for very long stretches. I have foot pain from spending my day job on my feet on a hard concrete floor, and while I do what I can with decent sneakers and good insoles, there’s a limit to how long a person can stand on a hard floor without feeling pain. Sometimes I think it’s just because of my weight, but even the thin woman I work with say it’s really hard for them. I have to find a balance between what I want to do to feel better, and what I can physically can do. If I believed that small steps were not good enough, I would just give up. Small steps are all I can do. I already have to do some things by necessity, like stand for hours at work and take the stairs at home because we live on the top floor and don’t have an elevator. When it comes time to do the things I actually want to do, I can’t last very long, but I do what I can so that I feel good and don’t push myself to the point of injury. 

Over the last year or so there has been a bigger focus in the media about the dangers of sitting all day. Sitting in offices at work, sitting in front of the t.v. at home, sitting, sitting, terrifying sitting! It’s ironic to me, because as a fat person who doesn’t get to sit at work at all, I know that I would feel better if I had a desk job, because my feet would not be killing me when I got off work and I would be able to be more active in my spare time. As it is, I can only take those small steps. And that is enough. It’s enough for me to work out without worrying about losing weight. It’s enough for me to only exercise five or ten minutes at a time because that’s what I can do. It’s enough to take a leisurely walk in the park. Whatever you want to do, whatever you’re able to do, don’t ever listen to anyone that tells you it’s not enough. 

 

Exercise and Assumptions

I used to work out regularly. I was younger, didn’t have a job at the time, had plenty of free time, and had a membership to a gym paid for by my mom, who went with me. I felt great. I was still fat-oh so fat!-but I felt better. I felt stronger than I do now. I probably weigh about the same as I have for years (I have a Winnie the Pooh t-shirt I’ve worn since middle school that can attest to that) but exercise made a difference in how I felt. As I’ve gotten older and busier, exercise has become less of a priority for me. I can’t afford the gym membership, am afraid to take walks around my neighborhood because I don’t want to be verbally harassed, and my body is usually so tired after work that the last thing I want to do is force it to do more work. But lately I’ve felt like crap and I’ve decided to work out more at home. I have no weight loss goals and do not own a scale. I have no desire to be a fitness blogger. I want to be able to get through a work day without my back aching or my knee twinging.

Exercise plan in mind, I took to Target for some at-home workout gear. I started simply with a resistance band. As I was checking out with my boyfriend, the clerk, a woman shorter than me but about my size otherwise, saw the band and said “So I take it like me you’re trying to lose weight?”

Hmmmmmm. Yes, this was an odd moment for me. I answered her honestly; I shrugged and said nope, I just want to feel better. My boyfriend said he might even use it too. I said I’m fine with my size. She looked at me and said “I’m not. I don’t like the size of my body.” She looked so damn sad when she said that. I wished her luck in doing whatever she needed to do to find happiness with herself, and I meant it.

As we walked out of the store we discussed this strange and rather sad exchange. I felt so bad for the woman. I saw that pain in her eyes, and I recognized it. It’s the same pain I’ve seen in my mom’s face over many years. I know the eyes of a woman who hates herself, who thinks she is ugly and unworthy. My mom couldn’t find that peace and love for herself until she lost weight, but I’m just glad she found it at all. I just refused to wait. I want to love and accept myself now, not twenty or fifty or a one hundred pounds from now. Today. Right this second. Finding the fat acceptance and body-positivity community helped me realize that I actually am not required to hate myself just because I am fat.

I discussed with my boyfriend how it kind of annoyed me to have someone assume I wanted to lose weight because I was buying a resistance band. Fair enough assumption, yes. I’m a big, fat woman, buying exercise equipment. There is just something about that assumption that makes me feel like I’m being watched as a fat person. It’s the same feeling I got when a co-worker once mentioned how good I was being when she saw my eating raw veggies at work. Can’t a woman just eat some damn cucumber slices because she wants to? At the same time, I know this cashier was looking for solidarity. She saw in me someone who can identify with her struggles. And she’s right, I can. I struggle to find clothes that fit, I struggle to find doctors who will diagnose my symptoms and not my size, I struggle to walk down the street after having someone in a moving car “moo” at me one too many times. And like just about any human being with a body, I struggle with loving, or just accepting, myself.

Our world makes it hard to love yourself. I support people doing what they need or want to do to take care of themselves and reach a place of happiness. My goals are probably not what people think they are, or should be, given my size. I hesitate to mention exercise around anyone, lest they think oh, of course she wants to lose weight! Finally! My path to health and happiness is mine, and I wish luck to anyone in theirs.

I’ve Been Eating Bacon and Doritos All Day, That Doesn’t Make Me “Bad”

Yesterday I saw a post on the internet about bacon and avocado toast and I sat with the craving all night, planning to run to the store for bacon in the morning in order to have this delicious meal for breakfast. While at the store I grabbed a small bag of Cool Ranch Doritos (get out of here, nacho cheese fans! JUST LEAVE ME) to have with a sandwich later in the day. Once home, and cooking the glorious bacon, I did what I always do when I make bacon, and I ate the cooked pieces as they finished. I always tell myself I will cook them all at once and then have my meal, but, have you tasted bacon? Have you SMELLED bacon? I lack the ability to stand in front of hot, freshly cooked bacon and not eat a strip or three. So before I even made my bacon avocado breakfast sandwich, I already had about three strips of bacon. Important note: best sandwich of my life. Thank you, bacon, and thank you, odd ex-con that makes tasty Dave’s Killer Bread.

I wrapped up the rest of the bacon and put it in the fridge, but found myself craving salty goodness all day, which means I have been snacking on cold bacon and that small bag of chips over the course of the day. Oh, heavens! Surely an anti-fat advocate for shame and diet pills will strike me down with great force.

Oh dear, I’m rambling. Anyway, this is typically considered “bad” eating, yes? The question, of course, is why. I had a lot of bacon today. It was delicious. Regardless of how often I eat processed flavored corn chips and greasy, crisp bacon, today was just a day filled with tasty, fatty foods. I have not been bad today. I’ve been extremely satisfied today. I’ve also been drinking plenty of water because omg sodium, but I feel great, y’all. If I were trying to lose weight, or had high cholesterol, maybe today’s choices could be considered “bad” from a health standpoint. But otherwise, what’s one day? What’s one sandwich, one bag of chips, one baconated day? Bad implies wrong, so what is wrong about it exactly?

Yesterday a co-worker brought in brownies. They were freaking amazing. I had more than I planned too and I could definitely tell when I was done, when my body switched from craving more sugar to craving the bagel and cream cheese I had in the fridge. I mentioned to another co-worker how many brownies I ate and she casually said she didn’t have any, she was a “good girl today.” This is such an ingrained way of thinking in our society.

What are the good foods? Fruits, veggies, lean protein? Grains? What about dairy? Is one pad of butter bad? How much butter must something contain before it becomes sinful? Does eating one small brownie constitute bad behavior, or are you still “good” if you manage to stop at one?

I don’t have a lot of answers, I just know that bacon is delicious.