Today I woke up early, had a yummy healthy breakfast, made a delicious smoothie… then went back to bed. Then I woke up again, puttered around on the computer for a while, listened to an audiobook for a bit, had coffee… then took a nap. I took at least one more nap later in the day, possibly two, but to be honest I can’t even remember.
I deal with fatigue quite a bit. The frustrating part of my fatigue is that it doesn’t seem to be predictable. I can eat lots of fruit and veg all day, like I did today, and still be exhausted. I try to get a full night of sleep every single night. I have coffee every morning. I don’t exercise regularly and I know that can help increase energy levels, but overcoming fatigue in order to exercise is a challenge all it’s own.
I love the idea of having some sort of schedule. I want to wake up at six everyday, work at my little desk until five or so, have dinner, and spend the evening reading or relaxing with some television. I crave structure. The problem is, my mind and body do their own thing. I never know when it’s going to be a fatigue day, a depression day, a crippling anxiety day. I can’t predict what I will actually have the energy and will to do on any given day.
I’m realizing that as much as I want to live a scheduled life, I need to accept that my circumstances require me to live a more unstructured life. I often need to cave to my energy levels. Some nights are eight hour sleep nights. Some are twelve hours. Some days are three nap days. Some days are clean the entire house days. I can’t plan my entire life when I never know what I will have the ability to do that day.
Being flexible is not my strong suit. I like knowing what is going to happen and when. I love planning things (one glance inside my bullet journal will tell you that) and being organized. I do what my therapist refers to as “future-tripping”; getting obsessed with what my future will look like and what will happen to me. Disability has forced me to be a little more loose with my expectations.
If you struggle like I do, just know you are not alone. I understand how it feels to have your day planned out only to end up spending it in bed against your will. I understand the frustration of not being able to make plans because you never know how you are going to be feeling on any given day. This is not an easy life, but I do the best with it that I can. Signing off for now,